


Four of a Kind

by subcircus



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Stargate SG-1, Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-02
Updated: 2011-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-20 01:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/207239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subcircus/pseuds/subcircus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Jack O'Neill mysteriously appear in the Hub, it creates headaches for Torchwood, not least of all just what to call each Captain Jack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> crack!fic. It's all the fault of Ithildin and that's the story I'm sticking to. *grin*

The bottle of Jack Daniel's sat smugly in the middle of the table, as the three other Jacks in the room eyed each other cautiously.

“Well, the obvious question is how did you get here?"

“No, the obvious question is how the hell am I gonna get back there?”

“Nah mate, the question really is, do I want to go back. Savvy?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I definitely want to go back. I was in the middle of something kinda important. And I just got married.”

“Congratulations mate, that deserves a drink I think.” Jack eyed the bottle greedily. Jack sighed and poured them all a drink. After a brief toast, Jack knocked his back then pulled a face. “Got any rum?”

“No, this is all I got. Sorry.” Jack grabbed the bottle from the middle of the table, examined it briefly then proceeded to pour himself another.

“It’s not rum, but it’ll do.”

Jack sighed and looked to Jack, who rolled his eyes and asked,

“So tell me again, what year is it? And I’m where exactly?”

“It’s 2007 and you’re in Cardiff. That’s in Wales.” Jack still looked puzzled. Jack sighed at the American’s ignorance and elaborated, “It’s in the UK? The little knobbly bit on the side of England.” Recognition dawned on Jack’s face.

“Well last I knew it was 1984 and I was in Afghanistan. I can’t say more than that, it’s classified.”

“Don’t worry Captain, I have top level clearance. I already know about that mission and the importance of everything that comes after it. It’s vital that you get back to your time as soon as possible. What about you Captain? Captain Sparrow?”

Jack started, spilling a little of the whiskey.

“Don’t ask me mate, last I knew I was being eaten alive by some buggering big beastie in the middle of the Caribbean. Which is exactly why I’m very grateful to be here, not there.” Jack smiled, breathing alcoholic fumes over the other two.

Jack sighed inwardly. If the Doctor were here it would be simple, just pop in the TARDIS and bob’s your uncle. But he wasn’t here, and here was 2007, where time-travel technology had yet to be developed. The best guess Tosh could come up with was that these two had been pulled through the Rift. Why, they had no clue, and as to the peculiar coincidence of their names… well Jack hoped that was simply a coincidence and not some cosmic conspiracy to give him a headache.

Jack turned again to Captain O’Neill.

“Now, please tell me exactly what you were doing before you arrived here. Even the smallest detail may be significant and help us get you home.”

Jack nodded his understanding. Taking a sip from his drink, he began,

“My team was going in to recover hostages taken. We were waiting until nightfall, about five clicks from the target, and it was about another hour until we were a go. I was just passing time with my team, chatting, playing cards, nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Well, unless Captain Sparrow makes a habit of being eaten alive, I suspect that your actions had nothing to do with what happened. Your locations weren’t the same either. This may take some time to sort out, I’m afraid you’ll both have to bear with us.”

“Well, as long as you keep up the supply of booze, you can take as long as you want mate.”

“I understand Captain Harkness, but I’m not one to sit on my ass, so if there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.”

“Appreciated Captain O’Neill, I’ll keep it in mind.” With that, Jack Harkness stood up and headed out into the Hub. The last thing he heard as the door shut was Captain Sparrow saying,

“I know this really great song…” Jack Harkness shook his head.

His guests were…interesting to say the least. They were both kinda cute too, he thought idly, before stuffing that thought back down where it belonged. Sparrow might have been open to anything given enough alcohol, but he had the feeling that O’Neill was straighter than a laser-rule. He trotted down the stairs towards his waiting team.

“So people, any thoughts?”

“Well, if the rift brought them here…” Tosh began, but Jack shook his head, smiling.

“No good. We don’t know where or when they might end up. I have to stress people, it is vitally important we get Jack O’Neill back to when and where he belongs. Any other thoughts?” The team all suddenly found their shoes really, really interesting. Jack sighed inwardly before continuing. “Owen! Find anything unusual that may help?”

“Nope.” Owen replied. Jack looked at him intently. “Oh sorry, you want more? Well their DNA, bio-signatures, pulse, BP are all normal, all human. I can’t see anything out of the ordinary to explain their presence. Except perhaps an inordinate amount of alcohol in Captain Sparrow’s blood.”

“Somehow I doubt that explains why he was pulled through the rift. Tosh, Gwen, did you find out anything about who our guests are?”

“Well, there’s not much about Captain O’Neill that isn’t classified, but I’m guessing you already knew that.” Tosh said, “I tried hacking into the military computers but the best I could find out is that he is now General O’Neill, retired, and that he was last assigned to something called the SGC, attached to the US Air Force. I can’t get past their firewall, it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen, as good as ours, but I’ll keep trying.” With that she turned back to her work station.

“I’m sorry Jack,” Gwen started, “but I don’t have much more on Captain Sparrow. He was an infamous eighteenth century pirate, sailed the Caribbean mostly. He was captured by the East India Trading Company on several occasions but somehow always managed to escape. He was lost at sea, beyond that it’s all more legend than historical fact.”

“Ahem.” Ianto coughed politely. “I think I might have something.” Everyone looked at him curious. “I read a lot about pirates when I was younger. Captain Sparrow sailed with a man named William Turner and his son William.”

“So?” Owen prompted.

“So,” Tosh provided, grabbing her files, “Captain O’Neill also served with a man named William Turner.”

“Three Williams, three Jacks. Could be more than coincidence. Good work Ianto.” Jack said and smiled at him, which was returned. “Tosh start thinking how we can use this. Gwen, Owen, keep exploring other possibilities in case we’re wrong. I’ll see if I can remember ever knowing a William Turner.”


	2. Chapter 2

“The wind behind you, the whole ruddy ocean stretching before you. Possibility. Freedom. That’s what a ship is.” Jack slurred, “’Ere, this whiskey is good stuff. What’s it called again?”

“Jack” Gwen said and three faces turned toward her. She sighed before continuing, “Captain Harkness, might I speak with you a moment? Alone?”

He stood up and followed her out of the room, looking visibly relieved.

“Owen may have found something, something unique about them that they have in common with you.”   
Gwen had an urgency in her voice, so Jack motioned for her to continue, “They’ve both met the Doctor.”

“What? How do you know? Did they tell you that?”

“No, I’m not even sure they know. Their bodies show faint traces of the same energy signal that surrounds you, the one you said was from the TARDIS. Tosh thinks that the large amounts of that energy that surrounds you triggered some kind of reaction with the rift that caused Captains Sparrow and O’Neill to be pulled here.” They walked down the stairs to the Hub.

“You’re saying this is my fault.”

“Indirectly, yes. Although it’s more Tosh saying it than me, mind.”

“So does that give her any ideas on how to get them back again?”

“Er…no not really. She thought perhaps you might be able to call on the Doctor…?”

“Not an option. Think of something else, and fast.”

“I may have an idea Jack, but it will take some time to set it up.” Tosh squeaked. “I think that I can modify the rift manipulator and some of our alien scanning equipment to look for their unique energy signals in the timestream. They radiate the same kind of energy that you do, so if I can pinpoint the exact second that their signature vanishes then we might be able to use the energy to draw them back to the moment they were pulled here.”

“Would the conversion unit from Argon Four be any use?” Jack asked. Tosh nodded excitedly.

“Definitely, we could use it to emit a modified tachyon pulse to the destination. That would be perfect. We still have it?”

“It was supposed to be shipped to R and D tomorrow, but we can hold off on that for a bit longer. Ianto knows where it is. How long do you need?” Jack queried. Tosh looked at her screens for a moment, making quick mental calculations.

“Thirty seven hours.”

“Good. Get going then people. Tosh use whatever and whoever you need. This is our top priority. Gwen, you’re with me. I need some help entertaining our guests.”

“Since when do you need help entertaining anyone Jack?” Gwen said sweetly, but with a sly grin. Jack chose to ignore her and ushered her up the stairs.

“It’s Sparrow, he’s driving me nuts.” Jack muttered to her out of the side of his mouth, “He’s obsessed with women, alcohol and gold. And not necessarily in that order.”

“So you thought that a woman in the room would be a good idea?” Gwen asked incredulously, “What exactly do you expect me to do?” she demanded, her voice now carrying a hint of anger.

“Just let him flirt with you. Laugh at his jokes, flutter your eyelashes, stroke his…”

“Jack!”

“…ego.” Jack finished, although his smile hinted that he would have said something else if Gwen hadn’t remonstrated. Gwen rolled her eyes in exasperation and the two of them went into the boardroom.

*-*

Jack rolled over and felt warm flesh next to his. Cautiously, he opened his eyes and examined his companion.

“Mornin’” Captain Jack said, “I do believe I may have had a touch too much to drink last night. Not that you’re not attractive in your own way, but you’re not exactly my type, savvy?” Jack smiled, breathing his alcohol infused breath over Jack as he spoke. It was all Jack could do not to wrinkle his nose in disgust. Instead he rolled onto his back and groaned. What exactly happened last night?

He could remember getting into a drinking game, he remembered Gwen suggesting ‘I have never’, which led to him drinking a lot, mainly because Gwen kept making statements like ‘I have never been immortal’. He was surprised to see Captain Sparrow take a drink on that one, perhaps he’d ask him about it later. But first there was this matter to take care of.

After that, they had played ‘fuzzy duck’ which he remembered Sparrow had enjoyed enormously and kept getting it wrong on purpose. Then came strip poker, which Gwen had won repeatedly, and Sparrow had ended up in only his hat (although for him poker had yet to be invented so you couldn’t really blame him). And then….

Then Sparrow had fallen asleep. _Aha!_ Jack thought, _for once I didn’t_.

“We didn’t do anything Captain Sparrow, your reputation is intact. I distinctly remember that you went to sleep after we played cards. The only reason you are naked except for your hat is because you lost.”

“Ah yes, the good lady fleeced me good and proper, didn’t she?”

“You can say that again,” said O’Neill as he entered the room, “Hope you don’t mind, I rise early and I made us some coffee.” At this he indicated the tray he was carrying and placed it on the table.

“Very civil of you mate.”

“Yes, thanks Captain, although I’d appreciate it if you didn’t wander around on your own. There are…unfriendlies imprisoned here.”

“Understood Captain Harkness, but I only went downstairs and made coffee. I promise I didn’t look anywhere else and I didn’t peek at any of your top secret futuristic type stuff, ok?” O’Neill replied, smiling. Jack returned the smile.

“I’m sorry, of course you didn’t. Now, I’ll go see if Ianto has brought us some breakfast to go with that coffee.”

*-*

The team stood around a complex looking bit of machinery that Tosh had bodged together from several different alien devices and Torchwood scanning equipment. Tosh was staring intently at three different computer screens, watching for the moment to lock on to in order to return Captain Sparrow. She had already found the time and place for Captain O’Neill, he had been able to be a bit more precise about when and where he was than Jack Sparrow.

 _Mind you_ , she mused, _if I was about to be eaten by a giant octopus, I don’t think I’d be too bothered about date and location either._ Suddenly she leapt off the chair and punched the air in triumph.

“Got him!” she exclaimed.

“About bloody time. Only took you what, eighteen hours and all of us helping.” Owen sniped. Tosh glared at him before deciding not to dignify him with a response. Instead she ran up to the boardroom and poked her head through the door.

“We’re ready.” She led Sparrow and O’Neill back downstairs and positioned them in front of her contraption.

“Is this safe?” O’Neill asked.

“Absolutely…I think.” Tosh replied.

“Do you think you could send me back about a hundred miles from where I was?” Sparrow asked, “Preferably on a bit of land, just me, some attractive female natives and some rum?”

“I’m sorry, but the only way to send you back is to send you to the exact moment and place you were before this happened.”

“Bugger.”

Jack walked over to them both and shook them warmly by the hand in turn.

“It’s been really great to meet you both. We’ve learned a lot from you. Captain O’Neill, perhaps when you get to 2007, you might look us up? Captain Sparrow, I’m really sorry we have to do this, but it won’t work if you don’t both go at once. I really hope you can beat the Kraken.”

“You know, you’d make a really great pirate.”

Jack stepped away from the machine and gave Tosh the nod. She pressed a button on her laptop, and for a moment nothing seemed to happen. Then both Captain Sparrow and Captain O’Neill vanished.

“Did it work?” Jack queried. Tosh examined her screens before nodding.

“Both Captains are back in the timeline where they belong. I…oh! Captain Sparrow just vanished. Do you think…?”

“Yeah Tosh. I think.” Jack said darkly. Without another word he turned and slowly walked back up to his office. The others all stood in silence. They had not known Jack Sparrow for long, but his energy had been like a breath of alcoholic air for all of them, especially Ianto, who had just met his childhood hero.

*-*

“Captain?”

“Huh?” O’Neill looked around him, looking confused.

“I said are you ready to go Jack?” repeated Kawalski.

“Oh, sure thing Kawalski. Lets go get some hostages.” Jack said, standing and gathering up his pack. He slung his rifle over his shoulder and the two joined the rest of their squad.

*-*

The smell of sea air filled Jack’s lungs. He looked around him and discovered that he couldn’t see the Kraken, or Davy Jones’ ship. Or any ship for that matter. He was on the Pearl, that much was certain, and she looked in the same state as he’d left her.

“So where is the beastie?” Jack pondered. As he did so, a shadow loomed over him, and the stench of a thousand rotting corpses filled his nostrils. “I had to ask.” He quipped, drawing his sword and turning to once more face the Kraken.

*-*

Later that day, Jack and Ianto were stood in the front office, waiting for the arrival of dinner. Jack caressed Ianto’s face and gave him a peck on the cheek. Ianto smiled weakly and looked down at the desk before saying,

“I guess the William Turner connection wasn’t important after all sir.”

“I don’t even recall ever knowing a William Turner. Never mind though Ianto, it was a good theory, just wrong.” The outer door opened and the pizza delivery boy entered carrying four 17” boxes. Ianto took delivery of them and paid the boy. As he was leaving Jack called out, “Hey, kid, I just realised you always deliver our pizzas, and I don’t even know your name.” The boy looked at Jack, who flashed his most charismatic grin. He grinned back and answered,

“William Turner.”


End file.
